“Pain isn’t the most dangerous thing, we humans can tolerate a lot!”

Carmen

Carmen

“My brother Simon was 10 years younger than me and we always had a good relationship. He was like a ray of sunshine and took care of others. So it came as a shock when he took his own life.
When he died my heart wasn’t just broken, but shattered into pieces. I was in Oslo when my father called from Vestlandet.The only thing I wanted to do was to hold my mother. I was so afraid of losing her, because the only thing she wanted to do was to die.I wanted to hold on to her as long as possible, that’s why I slept in my parents bed for weeks.

After my brother died I though I would never be happy again, but then I decided there was no way I was going to let this destroy my future. For a long time I was afraid of loosing people around me, but that feeling eventually subsided.

I’m a nurse with experience with psychiatric and mental health issues, so I was able to use my experience to have that inner dialog with myself about how I felt, and about the reactions my family was having. The most important thing was to get through the first year. The worst part was to see my parents suffer. My brother didn’t suffer any longer, but it was painful to witness their pain. The pain of losing my brother hasn’t gone, but my thoughts surrounding him take up less space in my mind.

I have become more aware of the pain I carry and I have learnt to live with it. Pain isn’t the most dangerous thing, we humans can tolerate a lot. Compassion from other people who have suffered has helped me through some of the toughest periods og my grief. There wasn’t a need for words. Just that someone acknowledged in silence my pain was more than enough. Sometimes a look, a touch, a sigh, that someone dared to take contact or even cried together with me was enough.”
Carmen
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– Broren min Simon var ti år yngre enn meg og vi hadde alltid et veldig godt forhold til hverandre. For meg var han som en solstråle, alltid glad og en som tok seg av andre. Derfor kom det som et sjokk at han hadde tatt sitt eget liv.

Da han døde ble ikke hjertet mitt knust, men pulverisert. Jeg var i Oslo da pappa ringte fra Vestlandet for å gi meg beskjeden. Det eneste jeg hadde lyst til å gjøre var å omfavne mamma. Jeg var så redd for å miste henne fordi hun hadde bare lyst til å dø selv. Jeg måtte holde fast ved henne, og derfor sov jeg i senga til foreldrene mine i en lang periode.

Etter at broren min døde tenkte jeg at nå kommer jeg aldri til å være lykkelig igjen, men så bestemte jeg meg tidlig for ikke å la dette ødelegge min fremtid. I en lang periode var jeg redd for å miste andre rundt meg, men de følelsene ga seg etterhvert.

Som sykepleier med lang erfaring fra psykiatrien klarte jeg å ha en indre dialog med meg selv, om hva jeg følte, og de reaksjonene jeg og familien min hadde. Det var viktig å komme gjennom det første året. Det verste av alt var å se mamma og pappa lide. Broren min hadde det ikke vondt lenger, men mine foreldres smerte var tung å være vitne til. Smertene er ikke mindre, men tankene rundt ham tar mindre plass nå enn tidligere.

Jeg er blitt mer kjent med smerten jeg bærer og har lært meg bedre hvordan jeg kan leve med den. Smerte er ikke det farligste, vi tåler mye!! Medfølelse fra andre som har lidd har hjulpet meg gjennom spesielt krevende stunder. Det trengte aldri å være ord. Faktisk var det aldri ord. Bare at noen stumt gjenkjente min smerte og var sammen med meg, noen øyeblikk. Et blikk, en berøring, et lydhørt sukk sammen med meg, mot og vilje til kontakt, at noen gråt med meg.
Carmen

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